Me and Maddi are sitting here talking about the future and I honestly told her straight up that I don’t want to be the rebound girl or the last resort. When the time is right and you truly feel in your heart that you want me as I am then that’s when I want things to happen. I think that high school relationships are joke. Unless you can truly truly truly tell that the couple is in love. Other than that it’s fake af. And I know that I want a strong relationship. I know deep down that I could find someone else. But truth is this feeling has never gone away and I don’t think it ever will. Here I am a senior in high school and I have had feelings like this for you since 5th grade.
In my opinion that’s what love is. Love is when you can be bullied, heartbroken, or even fight with the person and still thinking in the back of your mind how much you care about him/her.
I don’t know. Maybe I am talking gibberish but all I know is that when he told me that tonight and the way he looked at me when he said it was dead serious. Crap…now I am tearing up.
Yes I am aware that my title of this blog is lyrics from More Than Words by Extreme. But anyways I just wanted to say that I hate it when he tells me he loves me when it truly doesn’t have truthful meaning behind it. Like seriously please stop saying that you <3 me or love me. Just completely stop because obviously it’s not true. Well it is true but the way you love me isn’t the way I want you to love me. I want you to only say I love you when you really do love me and when you want to be with me. Most people believe we will be together but at the end of each day I know that will never happen.
All these girls having to fight for you when I just get to sit back and think “Ahh yes at the end of the day I am still his bestfriend.” I still get jealous though but at least I will always matter unlike these girls.
So I have a major problem where I walk out the door sit in my mom’s car all ready to go to church and then just as I put the car in reverse I put it back in park get out and go back inside. I have no idea why I fear going to church lately but these are some of my assumptions. 1) a fear of running into people and they question me on why I they haven’t seen me in awhile. 2) I fear that I will be by myself most of the time. And 3) I think my faith life is deteriorating. I say this because for the last three years of my teen life I have been forcing myself to go to church and the night I made my confirmation the first thing I thought about was I want to go home and sleep. That’s when you know something isn’t right. And even though this all is going I still pray for myself and others. And I lead 8 amazing Tweens who make me want to grow in my faith life more.
I couldn’t do it. I had to go on twitter and Tumblr. Not Facebook though. But seriously now I screwed myself because my last tweet talked about people who subtweet and how immature I think it is. Even though my friends do it I still think it’s dumb. And now you are butt hurt about it. If I come to school tomorrow and you become all pissy at least I know wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was stating my opinion if you don’t like it than whatever. Done done done. And watch I will eventually find out that the tweet wasn’t about me and blah blah blah I’ll be happy again. But seriously this is why I need to get off twitter. That website is causing me to over think and have anxiety from how much I worry about how others think of me.
I am not going on any social networking sites starting tomorrow. I need some time away from those things. It’s almost like I am completely cut off from society now. No tv, cellphone, or social networking sites. The only things I have are my laptop for hw use only and my ipod for listening to music only. Its definitely going to be hard but I need to do this. So I guess the only way people are going to be able to contact me is if you see me out and about or at school. It’s as simple as that. Bye Tumblr for now.
Keeps wanting to make sure I am okay. Thanks for your concerns but here’s the thing you can only say and do so much for me. It’s on my shoulders if I want to make the bigger change and it doesn’t look like that is going to happen anytime soon.
But now everyone is showing concern and I don’t want to off turn them. But for right I need to learn how to stand on my own. With no ones support or help.